Latest posts
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⚠️ Trust No Yellow Frozen Object
⚠️ WARNING TO THE PEOPLE OF JEFFERSON COUNTY, AND ANYONE LIVING WITHIN A 20-MILE RADIUS OF A WALMART. I need you to stay calm. Wanna play a game? It’s called “My Whole Life Is a Lie.” I just got done cutting the yard on a Saturday morning. Nothing is more American than mowing grass, watching…
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The Sun Wakes Up Every Morning and Chooses Violence
I’m about one more 92-degree day away from laying down in the Tractor Supply stock tank and calling it a vacation. I need a good local swimming hole. Also, if you happen to see an unusually pale creature wandering toward the water, don’t call the DNR. It’s not the White Sasquatch. It’s just me, an…
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Wanted: Chicken Coop Inspector (Not Kidding)
HONEST REQUEST. I’m looking for a chicken coop inspector….. Not kidding. This isn’t one of my weird jokes this time. Yesterday my chicken coop apparently decided it had accomplished everything it wanted in life, got blackout drunk on fermented scratch grain, and laid down in the yard like an uncle after six Busch Lights and…
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I Built a Round Pen Shaped Like a Circle Going Through a Divorce
I thought I had shapes figured out back in preschool. Circle, square, triangle. Pretty advanced stuff. Turns out I’ve been freelancing with geometry my whole life because I somehow managed to build a round pen that looks like a circle going through a divorce. Less tears, more dirt than an episode of Jerry Springer. One…
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Chicken Coop U-Haul… Where You At?
Chicken Coop U-Haul… where you at? Apparently we can summon a stranger to deliver sushi, a mattress, or drive us to the airport with three taps on a phone… But the second you need to move a chicken coop, civilization completely collapses. I’m looking for recommendations, or maybe someone with a truck, a tilt trailer,…
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Dead Trees vs. Live Trees: A Perfectly Normal Adult Decision
I’ve reached a level of adulthood I never saw coming. I’m comparing the price of dead trees versus live trees. Think about that. One option is a pile of dead trees cut into boards and nailed together. The other is… the exact same trees, just still alive. And somehow that’s a perfectly normal purchasing decision.…
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The Amish Are Going to Hate This Idea
The Amish are going to hate this idea… hear me out. The rocking chair has had an unbelievable run. It’s the Tom Brady of porch furniture. It has dominated for generations, carried Cracker Barrel on its back, and probably sold more sweet tea than every marketing campaign in history combined. But I think it’s time.…
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Turn Gasoline Into Beer Money
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS TURNING GASOLINE INTO BEER MONEY 🍺 Got less than an acre that needs cut in Bloomingdale. Not a jungle. Not a golf course. Somewhere in the middle where Mother Nature is trying, but not that hard. The yard has a gentle slope. You won’t need mountain-climbing gear or a rescue…
