The Amish are going to hate this idea… hear me out.
The rocking chair has had an unbelievable run. It’s the Tom Brady of porch furniture. It has dominated for generations, carried Cracker Barrel on its back, and probably sold more sweet tea than every marketing campaign in history combined.
But I think it’s time.
I don’t always want to rock.
Sometimes I want to lean back, put my feet up, admire the farm for the seven minutes before I notice another project I accidentally created for myself, and not become the landlord of a spider that’s clearly paying rent in human souls.
Where is the weatherproof Lazy Boy?
The guy selling me my John Deere tractor convinced me to spend another three grand because the upgraded seat was more comfortable.
It worked.
That got me thinking. If we’re willing to spend thousands of dollars to make sitting on a mower more comfortable, why am I still expected to relax on porch furniture designed before electricity was common?
Crocs figured it out. They’re ugly as homemade sin, but somehow they feel like walking on tiny memory foam clouds.
Make me a Croc recliner.
Weatherproof. Drain holes. Hose it off in the spring. Built-in cup holder. Maybe a little pocket for beef jerky and ibuprofen. Give me something that molds itself around my crooked spine like it has accepted my poor life choices.
And while we’re fixing society…
Bring back waterbeds.
As a kid, I thought adulthood meant sleeping on a giant rubber ocean. That was the dream. Instead I finally grew up, spent a small fortune on a mattress, and somehow still wake up folded like an old road map.
Coincidence?
I don’t think so.
Anyway, if anyone knows a guy with cedar lumber, questionable engineering skills, and enough confidence to ignore the instruction manual, I need a Sasquatch-approved outdoor recliner.
Until then, I’ll be rocking like it’s 1897 while my mower has a nicer seat than my porch.
Dispatches like this one are being collected in What The F(arm): Sixty Dispatches from an Unqualified Ohio Farmer — $40, half of which turns straight into hay for the horses, the mini donkey, and the baby goats. The presses roll when 100 people pre-order.