Breaking News: Trees Are Armed

September 1, 2026

Breaking News: Trees are armed. Nobody tells you this. You walk into the woods thinking, “I’m bigger than a tree.” Wrong. Trees have bark, gravity, bees, poison ivy, and about forty years of unresolved anger. Then you buy a chainsaw. Apparently not all chainsaws are created equal. Some are built to cut oak. Others are…

Man vs. Tree

August 2, 2026

We decided a couple of dead trees had to come down before the fence could go up. And by “we,” I mean Mariah held a strategic planning meeting with herself and assigned me the action items. It’s amazing how “our project” always seems to end with my lower back filing an HR complaint. The day…

ATTENTION BIGFOOT: This Serves as Your Official Notice

July 30, 2026

ATTENTION BIGFOOT: The FairPlay road in Bloomingdale HOA has voted unanimously to clear your woods. But I need help! Mr Henderson — you have 30 days to remove your hairy family, your stolen lawn furniture, your collection of suspicious stick structures, and whatever the hell keeps screaming behind my garage at 2 a.m. I bet…

When Did Owning Goats Require a Degree in Geology?

July 27, 2026

How do Amish people know this stuff without Google, when did owning goats require a degree in geology, and can someone please save me from making an $800 mistake with… dirt? I’ve got an 8×24 prefab goat shed showing up soon, which means I’ve entered the part of farm ownership where everyone suddenly has a…

WANTED: Surveyor, Explorer, Possibly Bigfoot Negotiator

July 24, 2026

WANTED: Surveyor, Explorer, Possibly Bigfoot Negotiator Apparently when you buy 12 acres in Bloomingdale, Ohio, you don’t just get trees. You get mystery. Somewhere in the back woods of my property there’s what appears to be a random campsite complete with little structures, a fire pit, a mower, and a road that disappears toward the…

Wanted: Chicken Coop Inspector (Not Kidding)

July 16, 2026

HONEST REQUEST. I’m looking for a chicken coop inspector….. Not kidding. This isn’t one of my weird jokes this time. Yesterday my chicken coop apparently decided it had accomplished everything it wanted in life, got blackout drunk on fermented scratch grain, and laid down in the yard like an uncle after six Busch Lights and…

Are These Beaver Bees?

June 23, 2026

Why are bees eating my wood? I thought bees liked flowers, pollen and spending their short lives producing honey for people who put it in tea once every six months. Apparently some of them looked at my deck and said, “Fuck flowers. We’re contractors now.” They hover near the railings, drill perfectly round holes and…

Patio Doors Are Now a Luxury Item for Billionaires and Drug Lords

June 18, 2026

BREAKING NEWS: Apparently patio doors are now a luxury item reserved for billionaires and drug lords. I’ve officially entered the phase of homeownership where I can’t tell if I’m shopping for doors or funding a NASA mission. I’ve got three exterior patio doors that need replaced. They’re about 118 inches wide, basically the Shaq of…

Explain Patio Doors to Me Like I’m Five

June 5, 2026

Dear people of Jefferson County, Can somebody explain patio doors to me like I’m five? Actually… explain them to me like I’m five, only allowed to use safety scissors, can’t be left unsupervised, and still think Elmer’s glue is a legitimate food group. I’m trying to replace one patio door. One. Not build a suspension…

I Got More Hardwood Than a Viagra Convention in 1998

May 5, 2026

I Got More Hardwood Than a Viagra Convention in 1998… and I Need It Gone So apparently I bought 12 acres of what might be black walnut trees. Now, I’m not a timber guy. I’m a marketing guy who recently moved to Bloomingdale and somehow woke up one morning owning enough forest to make a…

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