BREAKING NEWS: Apparently patio doors are now a luxury item reserved for billionaires and drug lords.
I’ve officially entered the phase of homeownership where I can’t tell if I’m shopping for doors or funding a NASA mission.
I’ve got three exterior patio doors that need replaced. They’re about 118 inches wide, basically the Shaq of patio doors. Right now they’re French doors, and much like international diplomacy, they require way more maintenance than they’re worth.
So I figured, “No problem. Let’s get some sliding doors.”
Simple, right?
Wrong.
One company hit me with a quote of $19,000… PER DOOR.
Per.
Door.
For that kind of money I expect the thing to greet me by name, make coffee, file my taxes, and gently remind me that I’m enough.
At these prices I’m not buying doors. I’m apparently investing in a rare-earth mineral.
What’s really melting my brain is I can have an entire Amish barn built for about what these three doors cost. Think about that.
A whole barn.
Roof.
Walls.
Doors…
…that somehow cost less than the doors.
Math has officially left the chat.
So I’m asking Facebook for help before I start making increasingly questionable financial decisions.
Know a contractor?
A window company?
A retired carpenter?
A wizard?
Rumplestiltskin?
I’m even willing to barter. I’ve got an 18-year-old son with plenty of energy. He’s mostly housebroken, knows how to operate a shovel, and eats less than a horse. Trade value is negotiable.
Seriously though, if you know someone around Bloomingdale, Steubenville, or Weirton who installs oversized patio doors without charging “small Caribbean island” prices, tag them below.
Otherwise, if you need me, I’ll be over here starting a cult.
The good news is… we’ll already have an open-door policy.
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