Bigfoot's Farm

Latest posts

  • The Handyman Has Entered Witness Protection

    The Handyman Has Entered Witness Protection

    I hired a handyman. He arrived, looked at the work, discussed materials, promised a start date and then disappeared so completely I assume the federal government gave him a new identity. No call. No text. No estimate. Just silence. Contractors do not say no anymore. They say, “I’ll send that over tonight,” then walk backward…

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  • Are These Beaver Bees?

    Are These Beaver Bees?

    Why are bees eating my wood? I thought bees liked flowers, pollen and spending their short lives producing honey for people who put it in tea once every six months. Apparently some of them looked at my deck and said, “Fuck flowers. We’re contractors now.” They hover near the railings, drill perfectly round holes and…

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  • Rural King Is a Casino for Men With Property

    Rural King Is a Casino for Men With Property

    Rural King is what happens when a feed store, gun shop, hardware store and county fair wake up in the same building after making several regrettable decisions. You walk in for a mineral block. Thirty minutes later you are studying a side-by-side, holding free popcorn and wondering whether baby chicks would improve your mental health.…

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  • The Farm Truck Dating Game

    The Farm Truck Dating Game

    Shopping for a used farm truck is exactly like online dating, except the truck is more honest about having rust and commitment issues. Every listing says “runs great,” followed by pictures taken at dusk from 40 feet away. The frame is never photographed. The dashboard has more warning lights than a Christmas parade, and the…

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  • Am I Cool Enough for a Cowboy Hat?

    Am I Cool Enough for a Cowboy Hat?

    Serious agricultural question: how many farm animals must a man own before he is legally permitted to wear a cowboy hat without looking like he got separated from a bachelor party in Nashville? We have land. We have goats. Horses are arriving. I have fencing problems and opinions about gravel. On paper, I am getting…

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