Latest posts
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Lowe’s Employees Recognize Me Now
I’ve reached a level of adulthood where Lowe’s employees recognize me. Not by my face. By my expression. It’s that thousand-yard stare that says… “I came in for one bolt and somehow spent $412.” Every trip starts with confidence. Every trip ends with three carts and a crisis. Stay in touch with Bigfoot and his…
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The Hitch That Refuses to Leave
My fire truck has a trailer hitch that refuses to leave. Four grown men have attacked this thing. Heat. Hammers. Language that would make sailors apologize. Nothing. The guy I bought the truck from said, “Oh yeah, that’ll come right off.” Sir… Were you talking about this truck… …or the next owner’s problem? Now I…
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Fractions: Math Detention With Fluorescent Lighting
I successfully avoided fractions for most of my adult life. Then I bought a farm. Now every conversation sounds like someone trying to summon a demon. Two-cycle. Fifty to one. Five-eighths. Three-quarter. One-inch. Two-inch. Two-and-five-sixteenths. At this point I’m convinced hardware stores are just math detention with fluorescent lighting. Then they sell you pre-mixed chainsaw…
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Man vs. Tree
We decided a couple of dead trees had to come down before the fence could go up. And by “we,” I mean Mariah held a strategic planning meeting with herself and assigned me the action items. It’s amazing how “our project” always seems to end with my lower back filing an HR complaint. The day…
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An Obituary for the Six Brave Men Defeated by a 10-Inch Hole
Where are all the kids whose parents spent their entire childhood screaming, “Quit digging holes! You’re gonna dig to China!” Because I’m hiring. Apparently every one of those little dirt goblins grew up, got office jobs, and forgot how to operate a shovel. Before anyone asks why I don’t just do it myself… I’d love…
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Wanted: A Handyman Who Understands the Zap-Zap Rope
Looking for a handyman who knows his way around a gas auger, pasture gates, and the mysterious agricultural science behind the zap-zap rope. I already have about 80% of the fence holes drilled, which means the property currently looks like a giant connect-the-dots puzzle designed by a drunk farmer with commitment issues. I can handle…
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My Honeymoon Budget Just Lost a Fight to a Goat Shed
🚨 Breaking News: My Honeymoon Budget Just Lost a Fight to a Goat Shed. I’ve officially reached the age where I’m shopping for luxury housing… …for goats. Humans are fascinating. We looked at an animal that happily eats poison ivy, cardboard, and anything else that lost the will to live, and collectively decided, “You know…
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Dead Trees vs. Live Trees: A Perfectly Normal Adult Decision
I’ve reached a level of adulthood I never saw coming. I’m comparing the price of dead trees versus live trees. Think about that. One option is a pile of dead trees cut into boards and nailed together. The other is… the exact same trees, just still alive. And somehow that’s a perfectly normal purchasing decision.…
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Patio Doors Are Now a Luxury Item for Billionaires and Drug Lords
BREAKING NEWS: Apparently patio doors are now a luxury item reserved for billionaires and drug lords. I’ve officially entered the phase of homeownership where I can’t tell if I’m shopping for doors or funding a NASA mission. I’ve got three exterior patio doors that need replaced. They’re about 118 inches wide, basically the Shaq of…
