Latest posts
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Farm Fitness
I donât need a gym membership anymore. I own a farm. Yesterday I burned 4,000 calories trying to move something that weighed less than my pride. Every project starts with⌠âThisâll take twenty minutes.â Three hours later Iâm Googling⌠âCan you negotiate with gravity?â New here? The whole saga lives in Farm Stories & Fails,…
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Out in the Sticks
You know youâve officially moved to the middle of nowhere when Dominoâs looks at your address and laughs. No pizza. No DoorDash. No Uber Eats. If civilization collapses, I wonât notice until my Amazon packages stop showing up. Speaking of which⌠My UPS driver now follows my Facebook page. He actually gave me advice about…
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Apparently I Accidentally Traumatized the Neighborhood
Apparently I accidentally traumatized the neighborhood. I invited four people over for dinner. Two of them called separately asking if this was⌠âŚa dinner party. One asked if it was my birthday. Another asked if they needed to wear nice clothes. Buddy⌠Itâs spaghetti. Not the Met Gala. Meanwhile Iâm the âcity guyâ ruining rural…
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Help Me Find the Zombie Chicken of My Dreams
BLOOMINGDALE, I NEED HELP FINDING THE ZOMBIE CHICKEN OF MY DREAMS. Yes, this is a real chicken. The face that already knows how everyone in the room dies. Apparently regular chickens werenât unsettling enough. Somewhere along the evolutionary assembly line, nature looked at poultry and said, âYou know what this needs? A face that looks…
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Jefferson County⌠I Need You to Rate My Wood
Jefferson County⌠I need you to rate my wood. Settle down. Weâre talking about the livestock shelter. Forty-one years old and I finally built something with my own two hands. Can I get a Boy Scout badge now? Not Eagle Scout. Letâs not get carried away. Maybe the âDidnât Lose a Fingerâ Merit Badge. Because…
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A Love Letter to the Angry Man in the Truck
A Love Letter to the Angry Man in the Truck. (This is a long post — if reading is hard, then please skip.) Howdy, neighbor. I just wanted to thank you for stopping near my home today to educate me about the dangers of having a truck parked on the shoulder of my own yard…
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ATTENTION BIGFOOT: This Serves as Your Official Notice
ATTENTION BIGFOOT: The FairPlay road in Bloomingdale HOA has voted unanimously to clear your woods. But I need help! Mr Henderson â you have 30 days to remove your hairy family, your stolen lawn furniture, your collection of suspicious stick structures, and whatever the hell keeps screaming behind my garage at 2 a.m. I bet…
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WANTED: Surveyor, Explorer, Possibly Bigfoot Negotiator
WANTED: Surveyor, Explorer, Possibly Bigfoot Negotiator Apparently when you buy 12 acres in Bloomingdale, Ohio, you donât just get trees. You get mystery. Somewhere in the back woods of my property thereâs what appears to be a random campsite complete with little structures, a fire pit, a mower, and a road that disappears toward the…
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Make Me a Flat Earth Believer for Under $500
Make me a Flat Earth believer for under $500. Iâm looking for someone with a skid steer who can level a 28â x 12â pad for a horse run-in shelter. Now I know what some of you are thinking⌠âItâs only a 3-degree slope.â Yeah? Thatâs what I said too. Then I started talking to…
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â ď¸ Trust No Yellow Frozen Object
â ď¸ WARNING TO THE PEOPLE OF JEFFERSON COUNTY, AND ANYONE LIVING WITHIN A 20-MILE RADIUS OF A WALMART. I need you to stay calm. Wanna play a game? Itâs called âMy Whole Life Is a Lie.â I just got done cutting the yard on a Saturday morning. Nothing is more American than mowing grass, watching…