ATTENTION BIGFOOT:
The FairPlay road in Bloomingdale HOA has voted unanimously to clear your woods. But I need help!
Mr Henderson — you have 30 days to remove your hairy family, your stolen lawn furniture, your collection of suspicious stick structures, and whatever the hell keeps screaming behind my garage at 2 a.m. I bet you are at war with lawn gnomes and I don’t blame you for that.
Now that we’ve got that public notice out of the way…
I’m looking for someone around Bloomingdale with one of those giant forestry mulchers that looks like it was designed by a man who got into an argument with Mother Nature and decided to settle it by building a nightmare machine.
I’ve got 12 acres of woods. I need trails opened up, a spot cleared for a pole barn, a few culverts installed, and enough land reclaimed to begin my lifelong dream of making questionable financial decisions with mini goats, mini cows or whatever creature is trending on Instagram and will keep my wonderful wife happy.
The woods aren’t terrible from what I’ve been told. Some light growth, some gentle slopes, and just enough terrain to remind me that God refuses to manufacture level ground and nothing in life is easy.
I’ve already gotten a quote for under $2,000 a day, which honestly sounds fair. Before I pull the trigger, I figured I’d ask the internet because nothing bad has ever happened after asking strangers for advice. This is a multi day project if that helps sweeten the deal.
If you clear land for a living, or know somebody who does, let’s talk. Bonus points if your company offers financing.
And before anyone comments:
“Just rent the machine and do it yourself.”
I’d love to.
Unfortunately, I was run over by an Uber driver a few years ago and the list of things my body is interested in doing no longer includes operating a 20,000-pound tree-eating battle tank on the side of a hill. Learning to walk again was hard enough. I like to keep the progress I have made.
So I’m hiring this one out.
Also, fair warning to whoever gets the job. There is at least a 43% chance Bigfoot is living somewhere on this property.
I have no proof.
But then again I also have no proof he isn’t.
If you encounter squatchy, please be respectful, he is camera shy after all.
Plus he been here longer than I have. So I guess I’m lucky I don’t get the eviction notice.
Sorry squirrels.
Sorry raccoons.
Sorry woodland creatures.
The age of the forest is ending.
The age of mini goat kingdom is about to begin.
If you’ve got a mulcher, drop your info below.
If you’re Bigfoot, this serves as your official notice.
Dispatches like this one are being collected in What The F(arm): Sixty Dispatches from an Unqualified Ohio Farmer — $40, half of which turns straight into hay for the horses, the mini donkey, and the baby goats. The presses roll when 100 people pre-order.