Latest posts
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Patio Doors Are Now a Luxury Item for Billionaires and Drug Lords
BREAKING NEWS: Apparently patio doors are now a luxury item reserved for billionaires and drug lords. I’ve officially entered the phase of homeownership where I can’t tell if I’m shopping for doors or funding a NASA mission. I’ve got three exterior patio doors that need replaced. They’re about 118 inches wide, basically the Shaq of…
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Friends Don’t Let Friends Build Barns on Crooked Ground
Friend’s don’t let friends build barns without making sure the ground is level first. Or, in my case, they just call Dale Devore, who casually shows up with a machine worth more than my entire house like it’s no big deal. Meanwhile, I’m standing there with a shovel and a tape measure thinking, “Yeah… I…
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Explain Patio Doors to Me Like I’m Five
Dear people of Jefferson County, Can somebody explain patio doors to me like I’m five? Actually… explain them to me like I’m five, only allowed to use safety scissors, can’t be left unsupervised, and still think Elmer’s glue is a legitimate food group. I’m trying to replace one patio door. One. Not build a suspension…
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The Harbor Freight Auger Tried to Kill Me
People have been digging holes since the beginning of civilization. We buried food. We planted crops. We installed fences. We hid bodies from tax collectors. At some point humanity looked at the shovel and said, “There has to be a machine that makes this easier.” Harbor Freight heard the prayer and sent me a gas…
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The Lowe’s Employee Who Arrived After the War
I loaded ten pressure-treated 6×6 posts onto a cart at Lowe’s by myself. If you have never handled one, each post weighs roughly the same as a wet corpse that refuses to cooperate. By number six, my spine was sending goodbye letters to the rest of my body. By number ten, I had met God…
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I Got More Hardwood Than a Viagra Convention in 1998
I Got More Hardwood Than a Viagra Convention in 1998… and I Need It Gone So apparently I bought 12 acres of what might be black walnut trees. Now, I’m not a timber guy. I’m a marketing guy who recently moved to Bloomingdale and somehow woke up one morning owning enough forest to make a…
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When Did Owning Goats Require a Degree in Geology?
How do Amish people know this stuff without Google, when did owning goats require a degree in geology, and can someone please save me from making an $800 mistake with… dirt? I’ve got an 8×24 prefab goat shed showing up soon, which means I’ve entered the part of farm ownership where everyone suddenly has a…
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My Honeymoon Budget Just Lost a Fight to a Goat Shed
🚨 Breaking News: My Honeymoon Budget Just Lost a Fight to a Goat Shed. I’ve officially reached the age where I’m shopping for luxury housing… …for goats. Humans are fascinating. We looked at an animal that happily eats poison ivy, cardboard, and anything else that lost the will to live, and collectively decided, “You know…
