Bigfoot's Farm

Latest posts

  • Are These Beaver Bees?

    Are These Beaver Bees?

    Why are bees eating my wood? I thought bees liked flowers, pollen and spending their short lives producing honey for people who put it in tea once every six months. Apparently some of them looked at my deck and said, “Fuck flowers. We’re contractors now.” They hover near the railings, drill perfectly round holes and…

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  • Patio Doors Are Now a Luxury Item for Billionaires and Drug Lords

    Patio Doors Are Now a Luxury Item for Billionaires and Drug Lords

    BREAKING NEWS: Apparently patio doors are now a luxury item reserved for billionaires and drug lords. I’ve officially entered the phase of homeownership where I can’t tell if I’m shopping for doors or funding a NASA mission. I’ve got three exterior patio doors that need replaced. They’re about 118 inches wide, basically the Shaq of…

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  • Explain Patio Doors to Me Like I’m Five

    Explain Patio Doors to Me Like I’m Five

    Dear people of Jefferson County, Can somebody explain patio doors to me like I’m five? Actually… explain them to me like I’m five, only allowed to use safety scissors, can’t be left unsupervised, and still think Elmer’s glue is a legitimate food group. I’m trying to replace one patio door. One. Not build a suspension…

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