Latest posts
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Lowe’s Employees Recognize Me Now
I’ve reached a level of adulthood where Lowe’s employees recognize me. Not by my face. By my expression. It’s that thousand-yard stare that says… “I came in for one bolt and somehow spent $412.” Every trip starts with confidence. Every trip ends with three carts and a crisis. Stay in touch with Bigfoot and his…
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Fractions: Math Detention With Fluorescent Lighting
I successfully avoided fractions for most of my adult life. Then I bought a farm. Now every conversation sounds like someone trying to summon a demon. Two-cycle. Fifty to one. Five-eighths. Three-quarter. One-inch. Two-inch. Two-and-five-sixteenths. At this point I’m convinced hardware stores are just math detention with fluorescent lighting. Then they sell you pre-mixed chainsaw…
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The Harbor Freight Auger Tried to Kill Me
People have been digging holes since the beginning of civilization. We buried food. We planted crops. We installed fences. We hid bodies from tax collectors. At some point humanity looked at the shovel and said, “There has to be a machine that makes this easier.” Harbor Freight heard the prayer and sent me a gas…
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The Lowe’s Employee Who Arrived After the War
I loaded ten pressure-treated 6×6 posts onto a cart at Lowe’s by myself. If you have never handled one, each post weighs roughly the same as a wet corpse that refuses to cooperate. By number six, my spine was sending goodbye letters to the rest of my body. By number ten, I had met God…