đ” âItâs electric⊠boogie woogie, woogie⊠HEY! HORSES! GET BACK HERE!â đ”
Thatâs either the next county fair hit⊠or the sound of me discovering I wired this thing backwards.
Iâm looking for an electric fence consultant. Somebody who loves horses but also enjoys the challenge of politely convincing 1,200 pounds of anxiety with hooves to stay on the correct side of an invisible spicy noodle.
Weâve driven enough fence posts into the ground that it looks like a dyslexic kid tried building a fort out of Lincoln Logs. The posts were the easy part. Then somebody handed me poly wire, insulators, ground rods, and started throwing around the word âjoulesâ like I accidentally enrolled in electrical engineering.
I told my fiancĂ©e, âDonât worry. Weâll figure it out.â
She gave me that look.
Not angry. Not disappointed.
The kind of look that says sheâs already picturing me sprinting across the neighborâs yard at midnight in Crocs, chasing two horses while apologizing to everyone within a three-mile radius.
Everything I know about electric fences came from Jurassic Park and the Ren & Stimpy song, Donât Whiz on the Electric Fence. Between those two masterpieces, I feel dangerously overqualified.
So if youâre one of those magical people who gets excited talking about chargers, grounding, insulators, and why horses respect electricity more than they respect me, Iâd gladly pay you for a couple hours of consulting.
I wonât ask another man for directions. Thatâs where I draw the line.
But asking 40,000 strangers on the internet how to build an invisible force field for livestock? Apparently thatâs just another Tuesday.
Hit me up before my horses become free-range and start paying property taxes somewhere else.
Dispatches like this one are being collected in What The F(arm): Sixty Dispatches from an Unqualified Ohio Farmer — $40, half of which turns straight into hay for the horses, the mini donkey, and the baby goats. The presses roll when 100 people pre-order.