Breaking News: Trees are armed.
Nobody tells you this. You walk into the woods thinking, “I’m bigger than a tree.” Wrong. Trees have bark, gravity, bees, poison ivy, and about forty years of unresolved anger.
Then you buy a chainsaw. Apparently not all chainsaws are created equal. Some are built to cut oak. Others are built to aggressively disappoint you.
And just when you think you’ve got the hang of it, someone says, “Careful. That’s poison sumac.”
Excuse me? Why is Mother Nature making plants that look exactly like the harmless ones but come with chemical warfare?
The forest is basically nature’s escape room where every wrong answer gives you a rash.
I’m starting to think lumber doesn’t come from trees.
It comes from trauma.
That was the free stuff. The premium nonsense comes as a signed book ($40, half is hay) or weekly letters from the farm. Choose your fighter, feed a goat either way.
