This is not a blog. This is a running record of farm stories and fails — written live, from the mud, by a man who once believed twelve acres would be “peaceful.” Everything here actually happened. That’s the problem. My suffering is your entertainment. Enjoy responsibly.
New dispatches drop every Tuesday and Friday. The farm does not take weeks off. Neither does the suffering.
Browse by category of regret
Latest dispatches
Want every single one on a single page, newest first? That’s Bigfoot’s Rabbit Hole. Cancel your evening.
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A Grown Man Getting Emotional in a Pasture
Three years ago I promised Mariah a horse property. Tonight I came home, looked across the pasture at Coco and Freya standing together, and realized I actually kept it.
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⚠️ Trust No Yellow Frozen Object
⚠️ WARNING TO THE PEOPLE OF JEFFERSON COUNTY, AND ANYONE LIVING WITHIN A 20-MILE RADIUS OF A WALMART. I need you to stay calm. Wanna play a game? It’s called “My Whole Life Is a Lie.” I just got done cutting the yard on a…
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Are Goats Ticklish? And Other Questions the Internet Failed Me On
There are no stupid questions… …which is fantastic news, because I’m about to ask enough of them to get politely escorted out of Tractor Supply. Are goats ticklish? Hear me out. I’ve officially reached the end of the internet. Google has started contradicting itself. Reddit…
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The Sun Wakes Up Every Morning and Chooses Violence
I’m about one more 92-degree day away from laying down in the Tractor Supply stock tank and calling it a vacation. I need a good local swimming hole. Also, if you happen to see an unusually pale creature wandering toward the water, don’t call the…
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Wanted: Chicken Coop Inspector (Not Kidding)
HONEST REQUEST. I’m looking for a chicken coop inspector….. Not kidding. This isn’t one of my weird jokes this time. Yesterday my chicken coop apparently decided it had accomplished everything it wanted in life, got blackout drunk on fermented scratch grain, and laid down in…
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I Built a Round Pen Shaped Like a Circle Going Through a Divorce
I thought I had shapes figured out back in preschool. Circle, square, triangle. Pretty advanced stuff. Turns out I’ve been freelancing with geometry my whole life because I somehow managed to build a round pen that looks like a circle going through a divorce. Less…
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