This is not a blog. This is a running record of farm stories and fails — written live, from the mud, by a man who once believed twelve acres would be “peaceful.” Everything here actually happened. That’s the problem. My suffering is your entertainment. Enjoy responsibly.
New dispatches drop every Tuesday and Friday. The farm does not take weeks off. Neither does the suffering.
Browse by category of regret
Latest dispatches
Want every single one on a single page, newest first? That’s Bigfoot’s Rabbit Hole. Cancel your evening.
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A Grown Man Getting Emotional in a Pasture
Three years ago I promised Mariah a horse property. Tonight I came home, looked across the pasture at Coco and Freya standing together, and realized I actually kept it.
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ATTENTION BIGFOOT: This Serves as Your Official Notice
ATTENTION BIGFOOT: The FairPlay road in Bloomingdale HOA has voted unanimously to clear your woods. But I need help! Mr Henderson — you have 30 days to remove your hairy family, your stolen lawn furniture, your collection of suspicious stick structures, and whatever the hell…
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Wanted: A Handyman Who Understands the Zap-Zap Rope
Looking for a handyman who knows his way around a gas auger, pasture gates, and the mysterious agricultural science behind the zap-zap rope. I already have about 80% of the fence holes drilled, which means the property currently looks like a giant connect-the-dots puzzle designed…
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When Did Owning Goats Require a Degree in Geology?
How do Amish people know this stuff without Google, when did owning goats require a degree in geology, and can someone please save me from making an $800 mistake with… dirt? I’ve got an 8×24 prefab goat shed showing up soon, which means I’ve entered…
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Wanted: Electric Fence Consultant (The Invisible Spicy Noodle Needs Work)
🎵 “It’s electric… boogie woogie, woogie… HEY! HORSES! GET BACK HERE!” 🎵 That’s either the next county fair hit… or the sound of me discovering I wired this thing backwards. I’m looking for an electric fence consultant. Somebody who loves horses but also enjoys the…
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My Honeymoon Budget Just Lost a Fight to a Goat Shed
🚨 Breaking News: My Honeymoon Budget Just Lost a Fight to a Goat Shed. I’ve officially reached the age where I’m shopping for luxury housing… …for goats. Humans are fascinating. We looked at an animal that happily eats poison ivy, cardboard, and anything else that…
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